American Cheese
"This is the snack I've been waiting for. This is the prepackaged, over-processed wonderland I've been doting on. The wrapper crinkles as my fingers fumble to find the flap that will open the floodgates of heaven onto my taste buds. I probe, pry, and pick at the invisible surface shielding my perfect square. This square of pure American goodness, this square of authentic chemicals and dyes, this square crafted with craftsmanship by the crafter known as Kraft. I do love thee, American Cheese, and do wed thee unto my taste buds. We shall have a celebration free of sorrow and legitimate cheese."
That's an excerpt from my Food Diary, the record I keep of all the food I've eaten, ever. Yeah, it's some pretty serious stuff, but the greatest treasures among all my Food Diary entries are the ones about American Cheese. That chunk of prose above was inspired by this quote I heard from Christian K: "The flowing hot gold pours into my tummy like an old friend." I reminisced about the good times I have had with that slice of American yellow stuff. My heart, no, my soul, was so moved that I began to ask around the school for opinions on the most glorious of consumable plastics.
To my surprise, I only found two brothers that share my beliefs on American Cheese. One of them said, "It tastes better than other cheese and it is American so it's real. American cheese is the perfect cheese when it melts on a burger and it gets stuck to the roof of your mouth." His words are sheer poetry, a grammatical error or two, but poetry no less. However, Brother Hayden spoke to me a powerful truth. As you read Hayden's monologue, hang onto every word and dissect this nugget of wisdom meticulously:
"It tastes like freedom."
There it is, people. Let the world know that although it cannot be classified as cheese, it's still the best cheese. America has done the impossible once again. This was yet another shocking realization I made while I asked around for opinions. Many people are against the precious pasteurized present from the heavens known as American Cheese. A lonely heretic quoted unto me this waste of breath: "American cheese is overrated and not sharp enough for my liking. It's mass produced and its excessive artificiality disgusts me. It pales in comparison to Swiss." I don't know about you, but I know about me, and I think SHE isn't sharp enough to understand the sheer tastefulness of American Singles. I also think that her opinion is overrated, artificial, and irrelevant. If blasphemy isn't bad enough, take a gander at the adulteration of the image of American Cheese in AMERICAN culture. It's like convincing the French that baguettes are gross and croissants are repulsive. It's just unnatural for things like "It's kinda gross, especially Kraft" to be said ever, but especially by an unsuspecting, unknowing, and unprofessional citizen. What better way to taint the image of American awesomeness than to infiltrate society on a grassroots and national level.
Hold fast, fellow lovers of American Cheese. There is still hope for the bystander and connoisseur alike. A senior named Emily said, "It's the best cheese for grilled cheeses because the way it melts, but it's actually really gross if you think about the process." I understand that there are many false statements within this sentence, but I also see a diamond in the rough. I see manna in the desert. I see a lot of gold at the end of this rainbow because Emily said "It's the best cheese..." Context is unimportant; what matters is that she said it, and because it came from a cute senior, it's viable. Don't lose hope for American Cheese. It may be ugly, but it makes your insides beautiful.
Sources from http://www.cheese.com/american-cheese/
